Listen, I get it.
It doesn’t matter how much thought you put into writing your story or constructing well rounded jokes. It all boils down to a title.
And those are really hard to write.
A Personal Story (That You Don’t Care About)
Back in the early days of this year, my friend Arielle Ruizo and I directed a short documentary about the Seattle U Crew. Wanna see it? Sure you do!
Anyway, we wanted to submit it to the first annual Seattle University Film Festival, as we were done in editing and we were all really happy with it.
But we hadn’t thought of a title.
So, here we were, the night before the deadline to submit still tinkering with our amazing debut film “[UNTITLED]”
We had assumed that some title would emerge during editing naturally and it would seem great and inevitable. Needless to say, that didn’t happen. Instead, we grabbed literally every book within reach and eventually settled on a corrupted line from a Byron play called Manfred.
The title’s not great.
Okay, maybe I’m just a crappy writer? God, I hope not. But that would explain my difficulty in coming up with a title. Maybe I need some examples for things people actually got paid for.
Some Real Evidence
Better Off Ted
What is it?
One thing you’ll notice about this list is that these titles don’t provide any information about the show they’re supposed to be representing. This, along with the below this entry, are probably the only two examples of a good show felled by a massively terrible title. Better off Ted was a quirky little corporate satire with a winning, underrated cast featuring a career best performance by Portia de Rossi. It’s writing is goofy and clearly inspired by the classic screwball comedies of Howard Hawks but with a sharp, cynical approach to corporate culture. It managed to have a main character (Jay Harrington) who was unfailingly moral is intention, if not in practice, but was still funny and interesting. Andrea Anders is cute and funny as an adorably disgruntled employee. Lem and Phil (Jonathan Slavin and Malcolm Barrett) are your new favorite characters.
What Does the Title Make It Sound Like?
One dad is way over his head! He’s recently been laid off from his job at the lumber mill while his lawyer wife is now the primary breadwinner. He has to stay home with the children because they can’t afford their nanny (whose probably some offensive ethnic stereotype) and there’s a hilarious set-piece where he has to change a diaper and he has to call his old army buddy over to help him. Oh boy, what fun.
Terriers
What is it?
Shawn Ryan’s follow-up to The Shield was this series about an alcoholic ex-cop (Hank) and his best friend, a former criminal (Britt) who start up an informal private investigation service. The tone and characters were the stars of Terriers. Watching the show really feels like living through a lazy Southern Californian day and the relationship between the two main characters is really well developed and strong.
What Does the Title Make it Sound Like?
A needlessly dark show about the owners of a dog-fighting ring, maybe it will be on Starz or Showtime. Painfully and pointlessly ugly, like if Lars Von Trier directed an episode of Girls[1][2].
Chungking Express
What is it?
I’m going out on a limb with this one, but I think it holds up. This 1994 Wong Kar-Wai film follows two recently dumped cops (Takeshi Kaneshiro and Tony Leung Chiu-Wai) and their attempt to connect with a woman (Brigitte Lin and Faye Wong). Chungking Express’ title makes marginally more sense when you’ve finished watching the movie, but by that time it’s too late. Here’s the logic. The first segment takes place in a building called Chungking Mansion and the second segment revolves around a late night fast food place called Midnight Express. So, combine them together and you get Chungking Express.
It’s a great little movie about how loneliness can spring into something more. It has a loose structure and winning actors who really sell their ridiculous emotions. It also has one of the best meet-cutes of all time.
What does it sound like?
A super generic thriller that takes place on this train called The Chungking Express. Maybe there’s a cop that has to catch someone with some expensive bottles of wine, like a more boring Guy Richie movie.
John Cassavetes: Title Master
Yeah yeah yeah master of breakdowns yeah yeah yeah great performances on a budget whatever. What makes John Cassavetes a genius was how good he was with titles. “Faces,” “Shadows,” “A Woman Under the Influence?” That’s the stuff us puny humans can’t even try to come up with.
Peter Guilherme 